A trainee accountant : The life and times...

Eternal Twilight of a Spotless Mind

2006-05-05T21:06:18+02:00

It seems that in my absence I've been declared lost and dead. Upon my return to HQ (at an undisclosed location), I was refused entry by the high-tech DNA and fingerprint recognition security. I spent three hours trying to convince some rookie low-level guard that I wasn't dead - I was standing directly in front of him. After a heated discussion, he decided to stand aside and allow me entry with his ID...well, 'decided' and 'allow' are vague verbs at best...and he was more lay to the side, than standing aside......

........

Day 1,423

I feel I must explain the post titled "Killin' the Mad World" - the beginning of
November was when the majority of our redundant staff left us. It was a sad
time, not least because FM remained. I was abrupt and testy with my friends, and
down-right nasty to my enemies. I felt wounded at my soul. I listened to
emo-music a lot... But that was then, and this is now - 7 months, 304 rounds of
intensive electro-shock treatment and one damn sexy blonde later, and I'm back
to listening to soft rock, hip-hop, rap, and the odd bit of angry
metal...eclectic music tastes, I know

......

In this week's news:
-Overtime takes its toll
-Flexor Carpi Uranalis
-The Last Samurai

Overtime Takes Its Toll (but worth it in the end)
Well, my work schedule (which appeared to be too full already) took a turn for
the worse last week, as FM and MD no.1 queried over my set of completion
accounts from 'Project Cut The Head Off Our Company' ('Project Decapitation'
from now on).

Meeting with FM (MD1 did not deem us with his presence) - Last week

FM: Well, MD1 has had a look over these files and he's come back with a list of
queries, that he needs clarifying. Now there's quite a few, and it looks like
they're going to take 4/5 days, but we're going to need to take the files back
to him when he gets back from abroad next Monday.
Me (thinking): Monday!?!?? But I'm off partying on Thursday and Friday...that gives me two and a half days! If he thinks I'm cancelling my holidays that are booked off...
FM: Now, TallMan (see earlier posts) tells me you've got Thursday and Friday
booked off this week? Is there any chance you could delay those days 'til next
week or the week after? Or do you have plans?
Me (thinking): Delay them!?!? Yeah, I've got plans all right - I'm gonna go out, hire an expert sniper, and then set myself up a viewing tower so I can watch the whole fucking show!
Me (with a sly grin and a shake of the head): No, I don't think so...I've been
planning this for some time - I would've booked Monday off aswell, but
QuintenTarrantinoLookieLikie (QT from here on) already got there first.
FM (shifting uncomfortably in his chair at the off-hand rejection of his
well-thought-out idea): Erm...right...ye...okay, well... we'll work something
out, eh...
Me (thinking): We!?!? Work!?!? You don't work!! I think you mean Jim'll work, eh
FatMan!?
FM: I took down some notes on Thursday when MD1 was reviewing the files, and I'm
writing them up now...
Me (thinking): I'm sure there's a Friday in most people's weeks....
FM..so I'll come back to you later on today, and pass on the queries that I've
written up so far. Okay?
Me: Yeah, sure.
Me (walking away...and thinking): Son of a mutha fu-wacked pisstaking
crankshafting bar-steward...

It was on this walk back to my desk, that my favourite blue biro snapped between my fingers, wrapping itself around the imaginary oesophagus trapped within my grasp...alas

......

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Timecrop

2006-04-21T23:27:52+02:00

I leaped from the tunnel opening with all the strength that my legs had left. My heart sank as I saw that the other side of the opening was no longer the ten feet away that it was on the plans; the far side had fallen away to create a mass of rubble at the bottom, and a chasm fourty feet wide. Shit, I exclaimed. As my leap reached its arch and I felt gravity take hold, I heard my pursuers reach the opening behind me. Gunshots rung out in the cavern, their echoes reverberating in my ears. And then I felt it - a single bullet, from the hundreds fired, reached its target. My right shoulder to open in pain; the force of the impact spinning me round to face my attackers. They stopped firing.
I had only one option remaining; only one chance to save my falling soon-to-be corpse from its fate. I reached into my right jacket pocket, and pulled out the device which they had been chasing me for. Glancing down at the rapidly approaching floor, I knew I had only seconds left. I quickly spun the dials of the device and pressed down hard on the large green button in the centre. I saw my life flash before my eyes, spinning faster and faster; right up to pnt were I behind to fall down the chasm, falling to a point 20 feet about the cavern floor. And then it all stopped. I watched my life stop in mid-air, my falling body slowing to a stop. And then, the space around me twisted and contorted into bright green and blue shapes; and then everything was dark.
I woke up, lying on the payment, my shoulder spiking with pain. I rolled over to get a better view of my environment - it was daylight, I was no longer in the cavern. I looked around for a landmark. A large spire in the distance; Paris, maybe. I started toward it, my shoulder ringing out in pain with every step. Then I saw the remains of a newspaper on the ground. It must've been a few days old, but even a rough date would help at this point. I reached for, righting through the pain, and checked for the date. 14, Avril 2006... seven months; the time-jump worked!

..........

Day 1410 (yes, if you count backwards the dates don’t tie in…in fact, upon my initial escapade into The Life And Times, I underestimated (and undercalculated…) just how long I had really worked here…Yep, going on four years now…I’d hazard a “woo!”, but on consideration maybe not…)

And so here we find ourselves, seven months down the line. Oh, how things have changed…actually, not much has changed at all…

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Upon my last outing, Cup4 passed into crockery heaven (or crockery hell – I’m not too sure about his character…he -did- hang about with the sharp knives quite a lot…), and Cup5 took his place. Cup5 is reigning strong – not a single suicide attempt in 7 months…we have an understanding, ever since our talk about Cup4’s demise.

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The aftermath from “Project Cut The Head Off Our Company” is still ongoing – felt now by those of us who remain…and the new members of staff that have joined us since...yes, apparently we didn’t have too many staff in the first place…go figure…

I have faced busier and busier work schedules every month since the sale…the work rota has largely been ignored, and we are all just fighting to keep our head above paper – there is one ongoing task that the accountants do collectively…this has been in a stagnant state since November. We plan to re-visit it some time in June…maybe before then, if the MD gets out the stick again…

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University Graduate (UD from here on) departed along with the rest, at the end of January…Hot Sexy Accountant (HSA for short) included…damn that redundancy selection team, damn them! To be fair, she -was- utterly incompetent, and ‘blonde’ only begins to describe how far from common sense a person can travel, especially when they’re a qualified accountant…but still {drools}…

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Speaking of qualified accountants (or not…) - FatMan (FM) remains…yes, amidst redundancy culling and even a mini-office-safari, in which he was the unknowing prey, he has survived…the incompetent nature, the unsightly figure, the visual re-enactments of a wild animal at work during dinnertimes…yes, all remain…and all of them haunt my eyes…even when I squeeze them tightly shut :S . Two pencils have left this world since my last post…and last week, my favourite blue biro…ah Biccy, too short you were for this world :’( …you shall be avenged :X

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My wall of LeverArch files evolved into a small hut around early December time, and has remained as such ever since…at least I have my privacy…

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That’s all for now…and remember - , or you just might want to keep a lookout for a madman on the rooftops with a Carbine 67 MM Sniper Rifle…well, they’re commonplace nowadays…aren’t they?

Peace,

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Killin' The Mad World

2005-11-10T14:33:37+01:00

'Current' Update

Mood:
Listening to: Mad World
Reading: Who gives a fuck!?!?
Writing: see above

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Redundancy, Depression and "The Life And Times" returns

2005-10-29T13:37:27+02:00

It's been a difficult few weeks, running through the Russian underworld from one safe house to another. I think I may be close to my objective though; I hear more news of this 'Kyatkjsl' every day. He's been keeping offradar for some time. I'm meeting up with Yuri later, hopefully to find out once and for all where I can find the BossMan. Oh, Yuri... that guy can sure drink his vodka

Gunshots!! We ran from the street corner, where we intended to meet our contact. It was an ambush!! Twisting through the alleyways, we headed for the Embassy. We didn't like to blow our cover, but we were under attack. Rounding the final corner, we felt brickdust shatter across our face, as rounds from a silenced automatic pumped into the adjacent wall.

We sprinted across the tarmac, feeling them closing behind. Closing our eyes against the rushing wind,we pushed as hard as we could... Soldiers, there... On the gates. "Help!" We cried. "We being chased! Let us in!" The soliders stood steadfast, not moving to open the gates. Looking up we saw the flag flying above the gate... American. "Shit!"

We turned to face our pursuers, and drew our weapons.... :-[" class="middle" border="0">

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A cracked persona

2005-10-01T21:13:38+02:00

Dust showered down on me as I fled through the tunnels, gunshots ringing out in the darkness behind me. I saw an opening approaching a hundred feet away, light cascading down the darkness towards me. Out in the open I wouldn't stand a chance - I had lived so far on this escape by ducking and diving through dark tunnel openings, and praying that I didn't get clipped by an unlucky bullet.

As I closed on the opening, a realisation dawned on me. This was no ordinary cave opening - if memory serves me this is Tunnel 19G, which starts off the side of 17F and ends in nothingness. A 400 ft drop and a 10ft gap to the opposite opening of 19H. Exercise a leap of faith over ten feet, or fall bullet-ridden for four-hundred feet?

I quickened my pace...

..........

Day 5

Making a drink this morning I took my cup from the cupboard, only to have it slip in my fumbling fingers. Without thinking I reached out to catch the tumbling crockery, but spinning as it was all I did was slow it down. I reached again, only to receive a blow from the handle to my index finger. Spinning now ceased, it continued to fall. Level with knee now, I managed to parry it off my knee and onto my foot; where it stopped almost dead. Rolling onto the floor, with a faint thwuck, I thought all was safe. Upon closer inspection I saw the hairline crack which now marred the inner of the cup. Cup4 is gone, maybe it long be remembered. Roll on Cup5...

..........

Finding faults and mis-interpretations in FM's figures, I confronted him to ask how I should 'meticulously' (this is how I was told to go about this piece of work, and as such have done so) go about these differences...

Me: "Well, I'm just wondering about these balances which don't agree. It looks like these items here have already been accounted for, but they've been left on here as outstanding."
FM: "Well, the way you need to look at it, is as these figures are correct, since these h ave already been signed off. I'm happy that all that could be done to reconcile these figures has been done already."
Me: "So, what should I do about these differences that will be left at the end?"
FM: "The best thing to do would just be to do all you can, and then lump together the balances and write-off anything that's left."
At this point my obsessive-compulsive pedant nature is twitching...
Me: "Right, okay... A couple of these are quite a high value difference, though."
FM: "Yeh, yeh. Well, I'm happy that everything that could have been done, has been done. The best thing to do would just be to do all you can, and then lump together the balances and write-off anything that's left."
Me: "Okay, then."
As FM walked away, my obsessive-compulsive pedant nature snapped... as did the pencil in my hand. I left my desk to go and find solice in the archive room.
Upon returning to my desk, I found that one half of the pencil had been decorated with permanent marker pen by the uni graduate opposite:

MAD JIM
AARRRRGGGHH!!!!!

How mature, eh?

Oh, how we laughed...

...........

The end of blog-week one, and I'm bored already...

That's all for now, and remember . . .

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Return of the red eye...

2005-09-29T21:19:47+02:00

I've been moving through the Russian forests for weeks now, headed for Moscow. I'm going to see a man about a diamond... as big as his fist, he said. Well, he's six foot seven, I'm thinking, so this I've gotta see. From the Arda Le Muerta shipwreck in 1854 - gold bullion in the hundreds of millions.

I was ambushed again by Tuskan raiders. Funny thing... I didn't think you got them in Russia, but maybe they're migrating. Gave them the old one-two and sent them on their way... in cauterised pieces.

..............

Day 4
With provisions low and water running out, I decided it was time to head out.
I shout to a colleague, "Is anyone passing down 'Leverarch Straight'?"
"No Jim, you're good! Go for it!"
Standing on my chair, I face my desk. With a wink to the worker sitting opposite, I brace myself before leaping backwards and doing a double-backflip over the six foot high wall of files. I land like a cat - soft as a feather and with a faint meow. Raucous applause accompanied my 180 turn and a simple bow.
I pulled the collar of my jacket around my face to protect from the harsh climate outside the safety of the office.
"I'll be back soon..."

Note: Some of the above, may not have occurred as written above... Common space-time notwithstanding, this blog passes through multiple dimensions and thought-driven worlds before reaching this point. In summation: Be afraid, be very afraid...
..........

So, TallMan comes over today and asks, "So, how's it going then? Getting on alright with the work?"
I turn in my chair resulting in an avalanche of paperwork. "It's going just fine, yeh. As you can see, I'm relishing in the open-office environment so much, that I've decided to make my own cubicle... out of LeverArch files." (not exact words, but close - I think on my feet (or sat down, as it were))
"So, how are finding the work that [FatMan] passed you yesterday? That coming along okay?"
"Erm, yeh... It's under here somewhere...", I say with a sheepish grin. Oh dear god, I think I've lost the files... Shit, think of something else to talk about... "Yeh, I'll be having another run at it this afternoon - see if I can't finish it off... and then start back on those queries you passed over on Monday."
"Oh yes. [TheMD]'s actually been asking about those, if you could look at them as soon as..."
Damn!! Obviously the wrong subject...

........

Despite all attempts at training over the last six months, the university graduate sitting opposite remains inept. Answering random-fire questions without looking up from my work, I raise my eyebrows and roll my eyes enough times a day to be able to go and visit the optician for eye-socket-strain related trauma, and claim the fees back as expenses.

.......

Snack-machine suddenly has Branston pickle MiniCheddars in it. Praise the snack-machine man, for he is your friend...

......

More soon.... And remember....

Yes that's right, don't make me tell you thrice . . .

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The Pawn Identity...

2005-09-28T19:47:13+02:00

It was raining heavily. It had been raining heavily for three hours now. I'm soaked through and can barely see across the street. Forget the stakeout, I'm going inside to have a look around.
No alarm... curious. Ah, baseball bat next to door. Not gonna do you much good if the intruder's already inside when you get downstairs, but if it makes him feel safe.
Not sure why I'm here... something about a ring. I'm sure there was more of us earlier, but I seem to be alone. Headlights flash across the windows... Hell, he's back early! Well, it's now or never. I make my way to the door as the key jingles in the lock, picking up the bat as I go...

Day 3
The lever-arch files on my desk are multiplying. Three more were passed to me today, plus a box of paperwork from 2003; that makes sixteen files and one box. My next-door neighbor is off in Europe this week, so the files have slowly migrated over to his desk as the day has gone by. I'll be buggered when he gets back on Monday though. Ho hum...

............

Meeting with 'group accountant'

Group Accountant: "So, we need you go over these files, look at the work I did last time and sort out the figures to correct your accounts with, okay?"

Me: "Sure, yeh. Just run me through it."
Me, thinking: 'OMG, WHY ARE YOU WASTING MY TIME WITH THIS SH...'

GA: "Okay, now when I finished this work last time..."

Me, thinking: 'If it's finished, then WHY are we talking about it!?!?!?'

GA: "... 'the managing director' didn't give me time to finish the numbers off, so we had to put some estimates through..."

Me, thinking (yes, again): 'That's because you were already SIX MONTHS LATE!!!'

GA: "So the numbers I gave you in June may have been a bit off."

Me, thinking: '... (pause)... WHAT!?!??

GA: "I'll go through what needs looking at, and then you can go away and check through it, and re-do the numbers for last time."

Me, thinking: 'You're damn right I will, ya fat lazy bas...'
Me: 'Sure, yeh.'

---five minutes later---

FatMan (as he shall now be called): "So, if you go through this list, and tick off what's been done and then prepare the new figures with differences to the estimates, and..." phone rings "oh, one second..."
FatMan, to phone: "Hi there, {name omitted - ManagingDirector}... Yeh... Yeh... No, yeh... Well, I'm just going through that with him now, and then we'll let him get on with it... Yeh, of course yeh... Okay, see ya then." phone drops into cradle with a klunk
FatMan: "Right, where was I? Oh, yes... Okay, now when I finished this work last time the managing director didn't give me time to finish the numbers off, so we had to put some estimates through. So the numbers I gave you in..."

Me, thinking: 'Oh dear god, no!.'
Me: 'Erm, I think I'll be alright... Peter explaimed some of it to me earlier.'
Me, thinking: 'Did he f***, but I'm not listening to five minutes of that drivel from you again, you unqualified turd...'

FatMan: "Oh, okay then. Here you go, and there's that box to go with them three aswell."

Me: 'Thanks.' [/sarcasm laced]

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Bitter of his position? I hear you say...

Hell yes!

............

Flying through life like a bat out of hell, I hit a brick wall in my work day - every day at 4.45. No matter what I'm working at, my will to work seems to break down and go for a 45 minute smoke break while I stare at my monitor and wonder why my desktop is blue - I hate blue.

............

More soon... Stay Happy! . . . or else. . .

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From Russia with numbers...

2005-09-27T21:08:35+02:00

Running through the streets, I saw the goons chasing me. They'd been on my tail for twenty minutes, and they were catching up. I rounded a corner and felt wood splinters hit my face, as a gunshot ricochet off the wall next to me. 'Silenced arms,' I thought to myself, 'clever bastards these fellas.'

I ran as hard as my legs would carry me and heard a bullet whistle past my ear, as they turned the corner. The river was three feet to my left and an embankment to my right. I would take my chances in the icy waters. I dove full-pace into the water, and kept underwater as long as I could hold my breath. The mission could wait, I started the long swim home; it was 2am and I'd have to commute by train in the morning.

Day 2
"Woah! I think this milk's off!"
"What dya mean, 'off'? I only bought it yesterday!!!"
"Well, look! It's stuck to the bottom of the bottle!"
"Let me see..."
*takes half-full 6pt bottle*
"Nah, that's not off."
"What dya mean?!?! How can you tell that by jus' lookin' at the bottle!?!?!"
"Coz, it frozen... Dippy!"

And so, begins another day...

Forgetting my security pass in the morning (and five minutes late, again...), I resorted to sweet-talking the receptionist into letting me through the system-locked doors. I was only 5 1/2 minutes late, natch

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Okay, so got a bit of a rollocking off one of the qualifieds today. My signature on my emails says:

JimReaper (not real name!)
Trainee Management Accountant
Company Name
Tel No.

Apparently since I do a full accountant's work, I shouldn't be putting 'trainee' in my job title... okay, so not really a rollocking... More a mini-promotion, that I never knew about.

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IT staff are fools: I spend an hour a day doing development work that other people should be capable of doing. When I'm not doing the work, I'm showing them how to do it. And this is what they call "getting outside help in", is it?

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A note: This blog will most likely be in the above format - mixed up day, jumping around from one story to the next with no relevance between them. If you don't like, bite me!

Nah, just kidding... Or, am I?

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That's all for now, and remember... Sta-aay HAPPY!!

(Or I will hunt you down, and......

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The cut-throat high-drama life...

2005-09-27T00:43:39+02:00

Gun-battles, bare-knuckle fights and knife dodging square-offs - my life is one cliff-edge run-off after another, as I go from adventure to adventure: swatting down international drug-barons, ousting tyrants from small village-like communities, and saving a damsel-in-distress once a week.

But, enough about my other job, as I can tell you no more... well, I could... but, then I'd have to kill you... O_o

Haha got ya there, didn't I? I didn't? Damnit, just let me reload the rocket-launcher...

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And so, we come to the matter at hand... my job, my life, my curse...

Day 1 (well, it's actually Day 840... but who's counting, eh?)
Photocopier on the blink again, certain members of staff seem determined to hash together a DIY attempt at fixing it, rather than just plod upstairs and use that one! Lazy sods!
I could have helped, but figured I'd just leave them to it (far more entertaining afternoon, that way ^_^):
"Ya need to pull on this bit here..."
"Look! There's the piece o' paper that's been jamming it luv!"
*cue tearing paper sounds*
"There ya go chuck, ya should be right as rain now!"
*beeeep*
"Oh, jus' bloody kick it!"
"Argh damnit, ma foot!!"

Wonders never cease...

The wall of LeverArch files on my desk is growing ever taller. I may need a map to find my way out...

More soon...

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